web counters
Best Buy Electronics

 

 

Proof That The World Is Nuts!  But we already know that....

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
Animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
Punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
Is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He
May only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
Applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased m ust be covered
With a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind !')
* ~ *~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*


There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
And deflower young virgins, who pay Them for the privilege of having sex
For the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the
World that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
Husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
Manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in
Tropic al fish stores.
(But of course!)
========================< BR>
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
First time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
Act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
Woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this
Law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
One exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
Only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
The premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses

150 calories an hour.


(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
Weight and Always falls over on its right side
When intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay For this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.


(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning)
 

 
CHUCKLES
 
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

            He thought he was God, and I didn't.   

--------------------------------------------------------------------

  

            Marriage is a three-ring circus:

            Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

      

--------------------------------------------------------------------

     For Sale :

            Wedding dress, size 8.

            Worn once ------- by mistake.  

 --------------------------------------------------------------------  

            There are two times when a man doesn't under! stand woman:

            Before marriage and after marriage.  

--------------------------------------------------------------------
            Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

        Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but

when they go, they take your house and car.

  

    -----------------------------------------------------------------   
 
           The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove

seemed way too qualified for the job.

            'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual

experience  in picking lemons?'

            'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've

been divorced three times.'

  

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

  

        An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can

remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

            The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will  have to tell me

the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

            The old man says without hesitation,

            'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

  

 ----------! -------- -----------------------------------------------

  

             Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

            All the DNA is the same.

   

-------------------------------------------------------------------

       I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'



Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

  

-------------------------------------------------------------------

            Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.  'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said . 'We may not have 45 minutes.'

They were seated immediately.

   

-------------------------------------------------------------------

   

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

    

-------------------------------------------------------------------

            All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father

escorted her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.  Even the priest smiled broadly.  As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

   

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

    

---------------------------------------------------------------   

       Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'  

Artie said: 'I would like them to say I  was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' 
 


 Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a

wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' 

      

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

   

-------------------------------------------------------------------

          Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.



Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'

Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A penny.'

 Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'

 The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

  

-------------------------------------------------------------------

  

            A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is   unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.

What do you think I should do?'

'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down.  Now,  tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'

  

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

   

  John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.  

'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.  

 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.  

'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'

'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.  

With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

  ------------------------------------------------------------------

          A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I   have to talk to you about it.'  

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'  

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'  

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'  

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to

her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'  

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on  the phone for three hours.

You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
 
'Take the poison.'
 


 


 

One day my housework-challenged husband
decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I
replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE ! '

    And they say blondes are dumb...

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

  
A couple is lying
in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies,
'I'll miss you...'


-------------------------------------------------------

   

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your
money,' she replied.



-----------------------------------------------------

 
 

Q: What do you
call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

    A:   A rumor


 

 

 

----------------------------------------------------

  

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so
good that each one of them could have one wish.

 

The wife wished for
a trip around the world with her husband.

   
Whoosh! Immediately
she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for
a female companion 30 years younger...

   
Whoosh...immediately he turned 90!!!


 
Gotta love that fairy!


  -----------------------------------------------------------

  

    Dear Lord,


I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

   

AMEN

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-


  

Q: Why do little boys whine?

 

A: They are practicing to be men.



  --------------------------------------------------

   

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

 

A: Trustworthy.


 
---------------------------------------------

   
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

  A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


 

  ---------------------------------------------

 

   

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

  A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.

 

-----------------------------------------------

   

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

  A: Rename the email folder

'Instruction Manuals'

 

Dig out the Vodka.  Look what it can do.   
 1. To remove a bandage painlessly,
saturate the bandage with vodka.
The stuff dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers,
fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking,
let set five minutes and wash clean.
 
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses,
 
simply wipe the  lenses with a soft,
clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the  vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka
and letting your safety razor blade
soak in the alcohol after shaving.
 
The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on wine stains,
 
scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face
 
as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.
 
The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair,
and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka
 
and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9 Pour one-half cup vodka

and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag
 
and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches,
pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar
with freshly packed lavender flowers,
 
fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly
and set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter,
then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth
 
to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor,
 
wash your feet with vodka.

13 Vodka will disinfect
 
and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy
 
to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.
 
Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

 

 

Smart Ass Answers]

 

 SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a
flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight
attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my
choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
____________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was
stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man
approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and
he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without
missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your
ticket, not your stub."
____________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the
frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't
find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock
boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"  The stock boy
replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
___________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and
the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his
window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast
as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he
sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
_________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving
along  on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge  Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is
right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car
comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips
and says, "Got stuck, huh?"  The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

___________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 -- A college
teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I  won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a
serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of  the room
raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if
tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"  The entire class is reduced
to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored,
the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes
her head and sweetly says, 

 "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."
__________________________________________

Two bonus extras:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for
her  Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I
have 50 Christmas stamps?"  The clerk says, "What
denomination?" The blonde says,  "God help us. Has it
come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10
Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
__________________________________________

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom
mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says
to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and
ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The
husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
He never heard the shot....